Thursday, September 11, 2008

Forgiving Yourself

Have you ever noticed how it's much easier to forgive others of things they have done or said to you, but when your actions or words have caused yourself a world of hurt ... it takes much longer and is a much harder process?
In general I try to give myself a break, I mean, half the time I couldn't have any idea of the repercussions of doing various random retarded things or saying things that I couldn't take back. So then, it's easy to not only forgive myself for being a moron but forget the incident ever took place. I mean, ridiculously easy. To the point that I can honestly not even remember the incident if someone reminds me. It's a gift I say. Being able to block out bad things. Maybe it's a defense mechanism because I have done so many fool hearty things, that if I remembered and kept the memories around I'd constantly be brow beating myself.
There are certain things in my life that I have never been able to forgive myself for though. One thing tears at my heart and mind. Something that I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive me for ... and something I know I'll never forget. I don't know if I hold onto the guilt and pain so that I'll remember to never be so prideful again or if I just hold onto it because I think I deserve the punishment. To feel bad about it for the next 50 years. The heart ache that rips through my chest, making me catch my breath and hold back tears is my payment for not listening to that voice telling me what I already knew.
Painful pictures tear through my mind at random moments. Holding her in my arms as I pry her head out of his mouth ... terror ripping through me when I realize she's not crying ... looking down at my shirt, saturated with my daughters blood ... the neurologist telling us that her situation was 110% worse than they had initially diagnosed ... kneeling in the prayer circle with the Bishopric and Relief Society presidency ... seeing her head swollen twice it's normal size ... her terrified screams in the night, laying beside her sobbing ...
I don't know what it is inside me that needs to hold onto this pain. People no longer notice her scars. The largest ones have long ago been covered by hair. The only remaining side effect is her speech impediment, which is slowly being dealt with. She doesn't fear dogs... proudly tells those that ask about her scars how she received them. Everything points to a situation that should long ago been put to bed.
But I cannot. I cannot let it go. Everything in me rebels against forgiving myself for letting this happen to my daughter. For not taking the necessary precautions to ensuring my child's safety, no mater what the consequences would have been. I guess when it boils down to the bones, I'm most angry about not doing what I knew I should because I was too afraid. What kind of mother doesn't do what's right for her child because she's too scared? Because of my fear of doing what I knew I should, I let my weak spirit decide ... and have lived with the consequences since.


Becka. said...

Oh Krista, I'm sorry your have to live with that. I can't even imagine how traumatizing that must have been. Honestly, I'm not even going to try to offer advice, becuase I've never been there. But you have to know that nobody has ever blames ANY OF THAT on you. Becasue it WASN'T your fault. You never would have LET something like that happen if it was even remotely in your control. Which it wasn't. *HUGS TO YOU*

Anonymous said...

Krista, like Becka said, I haven't gone through the pain and hell that you have. I haven't held my child when they were bleeding all over me......but I did hold Drew when he had a seizure and I thought he was dying.( We had never seen one before) I remember BEGGING him to not die on us I remember screaming that we loved him and always would because I didn't want him to die without us saying we loved him. I remember kissing his sweaty hot feverish face and thinking HOW will we live if he dies. All this happened in a matter of minutes until the ambulance came and told us he was not dying. We are mothers Krista and our babies grow inside of US. We feed them, we feel them move the first time. The second I found out I was pregnant each time I became a mother hen and VERY protective to my boys. You push them OUT of your body and then to some degree we lose some of that control b/c they are out in the world and sometimes bad things happen and WE HAVE NO CONTROL. The fact that you even THINK what you have been thinking proves right there what a fantastic mom you are and how much you love your kids Krista. You would move heaven and earth for them. As moms we will ALWAYS feel guilt and we will for the rest of our lives- WE ARE MOMS! You HAVE to let go of the guilt, it's not fair to you or your baby girl! She will remember you sitting at her hospital bed holding her and being there (and if she doesn;t remember she will hear the stories!) She's BEAUTIFUL, really! You are sooooo sweet, I know you are a loving preson b/c I read your blog, I see your pictures and the fun you have with your kids. Like I said as mothers, the second our babies were born we began alifetime of feeling guilty LOL! I'm doing the best I can to let my boys know that I love them, that they are special to me and Bill.That they grow up kind and secure. My "duty" as a mom is to do all that. But we also got to let go of the guilt that we feel. Did you put her head in the beasts mouth NO!did you grab her from his mouth YES! YOU SAVED HER!!!!! Did you hold her, YUP! You did the best YOU could do!!!! This might sound corny but maybe write her a letter that she can read when she is older. Or write yourself a letter of all the guilt you feel and then BURN IT and watch it go up in flames. You know your a great person and so do your kids. thats all that matters Krista!

Michelle prinsen

mom said...

Oh Krista, theres nothing in this world as strong as a mothers love. You would have cause to be concerned if you didn't feel guilty, that's a mothers job to feel guilty and agonize over all they do and don't do. I've seen you with your kids, you not only love your kids you like them, like spending time with them you continually find thing to do WITH YOUR KIDS. Nothing can take away the terror you felt, but I agree with Michelle maybe write a letter with all the guilt and terror and pain and watch it burn, it might help to get some of it out of your head and leave the part where you are always there for you kids doing the very best and beyond that you can for them. As your mother it tears at my heart and makes me cry to know of the hell that you went through and that still haunts you. But, thats another thing that mother have to bear, watching their precious children suffering and knowing all they can do is to be there for them. I'll love you forever and do all I can to make your way smoother.