Done In

I have been asked a couple of times since I started volunteering at Rhiannon's school what I would think about being a paid aid next year. I have been fairly ambivalent in my responses "I wouldn't mind", "If there is a need, I could do it", "I don't HAVE to do it, but if you need me, I could". I like being able to help out in Rhiannon's classroom, knowing what's going on, helping her confidence grow, ect.
Generally, I just don't think about the fact that I do not have any money of my own to spend. I don't think about the fact that I need to ask Jerry every time I need money for anything. I don't think about it because it makes me feel mad, degraded, hurt, frustrated. Not feelings that foster a good marital relationship. I cannot change the way he feels about money, so, in my mind it's best to ignore it. Ignore the fact that he gives me the credit card and not cash or his PIN so he can control how much I am spending and know where I am spending it moments after I have done so. Ignore. Suppress. Move on.
This morning I kind of snapped though.
Knowing I had saved us $200 yesterday ... yet do not have any extra cash to take my kids anywhere fun today. Don't have any money to fill up my truck myself (Jerry does it when I tell him I'm below half). Knowing that I will have to wake Jerry up and say, "Do you think I can have some money to go out with the kids?" Then wait while he mumbles and grumbles around, asks how much I want ... then eventually (more than likely) say "No".
It's worse than when I was a kid. At least when I was a kid, I had my own money. My parents paid for my car insurance, food, essentials ... but the rest I had under control. I even leased a 1997 Ford Ranger (co-signed by dad) when I was in high school - paying for it ALL BY MYSELF.
If I have to take a job that will allow me to work the same hours that my kids go to school, that will not take me away from them in the evenings when homework, dinner and family time are going on ... I think, at this point, I am more than willing. Just so I can have some cash for ME. Some money, that say I want to, I don't know ... take the kids to a fun spot that isn't free - I can. I can just go. I don't have to go through the ridiculous process of waking up their nocturnal father just to be turned down or grudgingly given money.